Talking to Your Child About Being Born Through Surrogacy
As a parent, at some point you will inevitably be asked “where do babies come from?” How do you answer this question if you built your family through surrogacy?
This question can be difficult for some parents to navigate, but it doesn’t have to be! Here are a few ways to answer your child(ren)’s questions about how babies come into this world, and what their specific journey was like!
When should you tell your child about surrogacy?
It is difficult to say when exactly it is appropriate to tell a child about their surrogate birth – each child and family situation is different. Experts suggest starting those conversations at a young age. It is also better for your little one to hear their birth story directly from you rather than accidentally finding out and trying to make sense of it later. Inevitably, your child will find themselves in conversations about their childhood. By being informed, they will be able to converse confidently about why their parents chose surrogacy and help normalize their birth story.
Their birth story is not just a one-time conversation, either. Long gone are the days when “The Big Talk” was considered the best approach. Having transparency throughout their life and answering questions as they arise will help your child understand, accept, and appreciate the process of surrogacy.
An intended father recently told us that their therapist recommended that he and his husband make sure that surrogacy does not become a family secret. Not only would it create shame, but it could become like the intended father’s own experience of growing up with the secret of being gay. Being born via surrogate can be a large part of a person’s identity and while it is not always part of reproductive education, it should be seen as nothing other than normal…because it is!
Using Age-Appropriate Language
Using age-appropriate language with your child will help increase their understanding of surrogacy as they get older. One suggestion is to begin by explaining how babies are typically conceived in heterosexual relationships, and then explain your family’s need for assisted reproductive technology.
You don’t need to tiptoe around the truth of your family’s circumstances. A four-year-old requires a more general understanding of conception, pregnancy, and surrogacy compared to a 14-year-old, but children have the capacity to understand it in their own way.
No matter at what age they come to you with questions (and even if it seems like they have asked you the same one repeatedly!), do your best to meet them at their maturity level. It can be a challenge to normalize that sometimes additional help is needed to create a family, but presenting it with clarity and empathy will set a positive example.
Children’s Books That Help Explain Surrogacy
In addition to speaking directly about surrogacy with your children, you can use books to explain more about the topic and share stories of other families built through surrogacy. There are an increasing number of books available to help children of all ages learn and understand the process of surrogacy. Check out our blog post Children’s Books to Introduce Surrogacy, in which we provide a list of excellent books to get the conversation started. Remember, the sooner the topic is introduced to the child, the easier it is for kids and families to integrate this knowledge into their identities.
You can also create your own book! Customizing your own scrapbook or journal is a simple way to document all things baby. Options abound for making them — from traditional scrapbooking materials to digital formats. If DIY isn’t your preference, be sure to check out LoveLeaf Books on Etsy. They are customizable birth story books perfect for any family. Whether it is surrogacy, sperm/egg/embryo donation, or LGBTQIA families, these books are wonderful keepsakes and can really capture the love and joy you experienced when building your beautiful family.
Celebrating Your Child’s Story
Your child’s birthdays provide an excellent opportunity to commemorate how they joined your family. Honoring other important days of the surrogate journey is another fantastic way to continue sharing the beauty of the process. Celebrate your milestone anniversaries with your child: the day you matched with your surrogate, the embryo transfer day, and the first ultrasound. As intended parents, you probably celebrated many steps along the way, and being able to share those special moments with your child is a wonderful way to show love and appreciation for the journey.
Be Positive and Normalize Surrogacy
The path to surrogacy can sometimes be filled with struggle, loss, and heartbreak. Undoubtedly, you love your children and have immense gratitude for them and your surrogate. Tough decisions or memories that led you to surrogacy can affect the way you move forward with parenting. Because remaining positive throughout the surrogacy process and beyond can be challenging, finding pockets of hope and happiness is essential.
Try to recall some of those calmer moments when talking to your child about surrogacy. Keeping a positive attitude about the path you took to build your family will help your conversations. One way to ease any feelings of guilt, shame, or uncertainty for you or your child is by being open and honest from the very beginning.
Our children often mirror our thoughts, actions, and behaviors as they get older – a little positivity goes a long way! Communicate to them that surrogacy is an amazing and wonderful way to be brought into this world, and this can help strengthen their personal identity.
One thing is for certain: as kids grow and socialize, they will inevitably start to compare and discuss their family dynamics with others. Equipping them with proper terms and inclusive language about surrogacy will empower them to advocate not only for themselves but for anyone with a unique family dynamic. Starting the conversation at an early age and continuing to instill within them a sense of normalcy will foster that confidence.
Ready to begin your surrogacy journey?
If this article has helped you realize the beauty and importance of honest conversations with your child about surrogacy, it could be the right path for you too. Sharing our experiences builds a bridge of understanding and love.
Click here to connect with us for a free consultation. Let’s explore your journey toward parenthood through surrogacy, with honesty, compassion, and expertise guiding the way.