Questions to Ask at Your Potential Match
Meeting potential intended parents (IPs) or a surrogate for the first time can be exciting and nerve-racking all at once. You may be struck with a mix of emotions when deciding if there is a personality match, but there are also some important topics of conversation that should be broached when considering a match.
For first-timers, knowing which questions to ask may not come naturally. When I met my potential IPs for the first time I was like a deer in headlights. Even after the research I had done about becoming a surrogate, I was still underprepared when it came to the question-and-answer portion of our first meeting.
Thankfully, my future IPs and I were being matched through Heartland Surrogacy. We had an experienced coordinator mediating our meeting and guiding us through the process. Our first meeting is what lead us all to the decision to match and really begin our journey.
The questions you ask your potential IPs or surrogate help you to understand one another better. It helps you gauge if your vision of the surrogacy process aligns with the others’ and confirm that you’re on the same page when it comes to sensitive topics and the kinds of scenarios that would be difficult to navigate if they were to arise. Your answers may not match up perfectly but could be close enough to make a match and have a successful journey.
Jess is an Iowa mother of two kiddos and a dog. She’s a writer and also blogs about pregnancy, surrogacy, and motherhood. She is a one-time gestational carrier.
Getting to Know You
Leading up to our match meeting, both my IPs and I completed profiles. We talked about ourselves and our families, as well as what inspired us to begin our journeys. The profiles were complete with pictures. This was a good way for me to get a general idea of who the IPs are, where they come from, and what their story. With the profiles being so customized, I could feel the sincerity the IPs put into their answers.
Putting faces to the names through pictures made it even more personal. It showed a side of the IPs I wouldn’t have seen otherwise. They included pictures of them in their Halloween costumes and on vacation, both posed and candid. It made them seem more human and approachable.
These profiles answered the first few questions we each had about the other party, so we knew important details before the match meeting even took place. Simple questions like “Who are you?” and “Where do you come from?” can have a big impact on the matching process. They’re surface questions, but they can often be the most telling
The Match Meeting
After reading through each other’s profiles and agreeing to continue on in the matching process, my IPs and I met virtually with a representative from Heartland.
It was so helpful to have Monica navigate the call with us. She was able to usher us along, and it oddly helped relieve the tension between myself and the IPs. She helped keep the conversation flowing. If she hadn’t been there, I’m not sure the IPs and I would have even discussed the surrogacy process as in-depth as we did with her help. Heartland is the reason our journey ended up going so smoothly!
Match Meeting Questions
Having never attended a virtual meeting with potential IPs before, I was unsure of the process and the questions that were going to be asked/answered. After going through the entire surrogacy process, I realize now how important those questions were. And how vital it was for me to hear the IPs’ answers.
Those questions included:
- How do you envision your relationship after the baby is born?
- Do you feel comfortable having the IPs in the room at appointments?
- What will the birth look like?
- How do you feel about selective reduction or termination?
- Is there anything off-limits for the surrogate during the pregnancy?
These were the questions I found to be most important in relation to the journey ahead and my matching decision. We also asked each other many more questions during our initial meeting, and the conversation naturally lead to more details.
Medical Appointments in Surrogacy
This question can be more complex depending on the combination of surrogate and IPs. If you’re a married surrogate, will your spouse attend your appointments? Will the IPs be in the room when the doctor checks on the surrogate? If your IPs are long distance, will your doctor allow them to attend appointments or ultrasounds virtually?
You can break this important question down into smaller, more specific questions based on your exact situation. The answers help all parties understand each other’s comfort level and if they line up.
Surrogate Delivery
Much like with appointments, the question of delivery plans will depend on who is involved and their comfort with the situation.
Would the IPs like to be in the room when the baby is born? Is the surrogate comfortable having the IPs in the room? If the surrogate is having a C-section, will the hospital or OB allow more than one support person in the operating room? If the IPs can’t be present for the birth, can they send someone else? Will the birth be done in a hospital, birth center, or at home? Do either the surrogate or the IPs request a doula? How do the parties feel about a water birth?
You also need to consider pictures and videos. Birth photo shoots and filming may be something one or both of the parties are interested in. If so, it’s important to discuss preferences and options.
Limits in Surrogacy Pregnancies
If you’re a first-time IP or surrogate, you may not know if there is anything off limits right away. However, the other questions asked during the match meeting may reveal your no-no list. Not everyone has things they consider to be “off limits,” and if they do, they can vary. You may not want a continued relationship after the birth of the baby. As a surrogate, you may not be comfortable with the IPs being in the room while you give birth.
Other off-limits items or restrictions may be dieting and exercise while pregnant, travel, the number of embryos to be transferred, etc. Some may seem inconsequential but could end up being deal breakers— your deciding factor for matching or not. So be sure to define your boundaries well and let them know what is okay and what is not.
Reduction or Termination in Surrogacy
This is one of the details I didn’t even really think about when I decided to embark on my surrogacy journey. I was only focused on the positive and hadn’t allowed myself to entertain the idea of complications and how they’d be handled.
As dark and difficult as those possibilities are, they definitely need to be discussed. This, to me, was one of the most important questions I answered, and one of the most important answers I got from my IPs In my opinion, it was imperative our views of these topics coincided, and our agency requires it.
A Relationship in Surrogacy
Some IPs and surrogates would like a closed relationship in terms of what happens after the baby is born. They’d prefer little to no interaction in the future. Others are on the opposite side of the spectrum: they are more open to working toward a continued relationship or ongoing friendship.
Going into an IP/surrogate relationship can be difficult for some and effortless for others. IPs and the surrogate should hold realistic and shared, expectations. The eventual outcome will all depend on how you guide that relationship along the way and the comfort levels of both parties.
Finding the Best Match
When it’s all said and done, the biggest piece of advice I have as a surrogate is to communicate during your match meeting. If you’re uncomfortable with something, say so. If you are looking forward to certain aspects of the journey, vocalize it. When you answer the harder questions, be honest and upfront so your beautiful journey can be enjoyable and memorable for all parties involved.