Surrogacy Stories is a blog series compiled by Heartland Surrogacy. In this series we will bring you personal perspectives on surrogacy from a variety of people: surrogates, intended parents, and the professionals who we have been lucky enough to work with. Our Vice President, Monica, recently spoke with Heartland surrogate Courtney, who delivered identical twins in the summer of 2019 for Intended Fathers A&G. While she was pregnant, she and her husband were going through the adoption process for their youngest daughter.
Tell us what motivated you to become a surrogate?
I can’t take any credit for it. Our family is spiritually Christian based, and I feel that God planted the seed. We knew we were closing our home to foster care after a few years, and we thought, “What do we do next? How do we continue making a difference in the world?” We thought, “Let’s get pregnant for somebody else. It’ll be a way of giving back.” I started researching, specifically, the combination of foster care and surrogacy, and came across Blakely’s story and recognized her because she provides respite care for foster families.
What was it like to add to your own family while helping to build someone else’s?
It was insane! It really was. I didn’t grasp the magnitude until we were in the midst of it, but I didn’t think twice. I was pregnant and we had a newborn [in our family], so going out in public was fun. [laughs]
When we were asked if we could take in our adopted daughter’s [biological] sister, we just couldn’t say no. We legit had been home with our new baby for four days when we had to travel to ICRM in Idaho for the embryo transfer. We didn’t even know her legal name! One of her middle names is Sirsee, a deep Southern name meaning “tiny unexpected gift.” She weighed 4 pounds 6 ounces [this is slightly smaller than each of the twins Courtney later delivered].
It really was the biggest, most rewarding blessing to be able to do this. Just to think of someone not being able to be a parent was heartbreaking. We were so lucky to not only be able to birth our own child, but also to adopt children in need. To then be able to say that I could complete a family…if I died tomorrow, my legacy will live on. I made a difference, I know I did. That’s why we chose surrogacy.
Do you have any special insight on carrying twins?
I have no insight because I don’t know how I did it. [When they told me there were two] I was like, “What?! Are you effing kidding me?!” I said it like four times, then the doctor said, “No I’m not effing kidding you!” [laughs] I ran out to the car and called Blakely right away!
I felt huge the entire time. One minute it didn’t look like I was pregnant and the next I thought there were eight babies in there. My support system is what kept me going. Brie was cheering me on through text the whole time. I would be posting something [on social media] and she was the first to text me at 6 am to tell me I got this.
The recovery was intense and an eye opener. During the pregnancy, we all joked [about having both a C-section and vaginal delivery]. My first pregnancy went flawlessly, then three pushes and she was out. This was difficult. After [the vaginal delivery of] Baby A, Baby B didn’t want to come out. I felt like a failure. I sobbed on the operating table. I said, “But I can push him out!” The OB said “No, he’s flipped, his foot is stuck in your ribs.” Mentally it was very frustrating. I came home and was not able to do the things I had anticipated being able to do. I refused to acknowledge the incision for a long time. It was a big adjustment to my family because I was fully dependent on my husband.
I’m better about it now. I look back and [realize] that was a lot to handle. Thank God for my husband, who is such an amazing, hands-on father to our children. He did not allow us to miss a beat. We worked hard to keep things afloat… I’m so, so proud of us. My hubby was supported and I was supported; it took a village. I had no clue what women go through with C-sections. I had no clue.
Tell us about your life as an active mom.
It takes a lot of compromising and scheduling and juggling. I love sleep…I get sleep first and any other break that doesn’t take away from my children, I try to work in 45 minutes to strengthen my body. I feed my soul. My husband knows I need it and he fully supports it.
What was it like to help an international gay couple?
It was amazing. I don’t know if it has anything to do with them being an international gay couple. I think it’s just who they are. We were so lucky and so blessed to be matched with the perfect [intended] parents. Our families clicked right off the bat. Both families were holding back in the initial Skype meeting. Then the cameras cut out and we began chatting and texting. We still do because we’ve just got the craziest and silliest connection. It was the best experience because our cultures are so different and we had so much fun learning about them. That they were a gay couple didn’t make a difference. It didn’t make a difference to our children; it was normal for them. Our parents embraced it.
Without people being surrogates for same sex couples, they couldn’t be [biological] parents. I think everyone who wants to be a parent should be able to. I would do it 10 times over if I could.
In what way were your journey providers helpful?
I was surprised [about] the number of doctors I would have to see because of mono/di twins. [Monochorionic–diamniotic—Twins who share a chorion but have separate amniotic sacs. They share a placenta and are identical.] It seriously does take a village. It took lots of providers to ensure the wellness of me and two babies. I had a visit like every 10 days with all kinds of monitoring.
It was overwhelming at times, but my perinatal specialist was incredible. My OB had to take the backseat at first. My perinatal specialist was my rock. She was tough on me but I needed it. [Near the end] I walked into her office and sobbed, “I can’t do this!”
She said, “Stop it. You have got to get it together. You can do this. The whole office is rooting for you. You run half marathons; this will be a walk in the park for you. We’re at mile 10 right now and you’ve got a 5k left. Coast it. What do you need from me to make it this last 5K?” She was able to put it into terms that made it click for me. It’s what I needed to hear.
That type of support from my doctors continued to delivery day. My nurses were amazing. We became Facebook friends and talk regularly now. We had like 15 staff members in the OR, and they were cheering…it was amazing. Delivery day was the best day ever because of them.
Do you have any advice for women considering being a surrogate?
I would say my only advice is to do it. Pray about and do it. Because it is by far the biggest blessing and experience that I’ve ever had. It needs to be done. And that’s why I’m doing it again. I just can’t wait to do it again. I wish I would have started 20 years ago so I could help so many families! [laughs] I applied again literally at my 6 postpartum mark.
I wish the same family would want another sibling, but I’m ok with it not being them. I can help complete another family.